Kanpur-Gandhinagar-Bangalore-Calcutta

Flashback (Class-II in school):

Senior:Abhishek say ‘Kite’.
Me:Tite.

Laughter all around. Reason- I used to stammer. Even students from class 12th used to come to see my special talent. I could’ve easily won the Talent Hunt of my school as a standup comedian without even cracking a single joke.

That made me go into a shell. I stopped talking to anyone. Even in interval I used to sit in a corner and study. Well if you don’t speak at all then nobody would come to know if you can pronounce K or T correctly. I became an introvert and was scared of talking to anyone new. Slowly my seniors and classmates stopped picking me and the folklore died. Only thing that remained was my silence.

College:
I had never tried to rectify my wrong habit. I never needed to -as I hardly spoke. Now when you need to impress a girl of your life, you need to speak and speak smartly. I was in dilemma. To speak or not to speak.
So I figured out a middle path. I would try to avoid words starting with alphabets K,C,T and few others.

Hey hi! So how are you doing?
Doing good.
(Seeing a book in my hand) So, which subject you’re reading?
It’s a Physics thing related to movement of bodies.
You mean Kinetics?
Oh yeah. I thought you would not have heard that name.
You think I’m dumb?
No no. Absolutely no. Well when are you going home?
Maybe next week. Where is your hometown?
Well I’ll give you hints. You guess. It’s largest town of UP, has an IIT.
I don’t know.
(Come on!) Kanpur(saying very slowly).
What? Didn’t hear you.
Hey how is your assignment going?
Going great. But some idiots are not doing their part and I’m sort of getting tensed.
Ahh. Don’t worry (fearing my team mates of the Humanities electives project would be thinking the same). Anyways, what are you doing tomorrow? We can have dinner.
Yeah. I’ve not been out for a long time. We can. What’s the place called?
It’s a food chain of Italian dishes. It has many branches all over India.
Still, it might have some name.
Pijja Hut.
That was the moment when I realized I was doomed. In the excitement of having dinner with her, I had forgotten to censor my words. I had increased my chances of seeing her again from 0 to minus infinity.
What? No it’s not the way it’s pronounced. It’s pronounced with a z like hard S.
Ok. I know I’m not great in pronouncing words. I know that.
Yeah, even I have noticed that.
You knew? You knew from all this long.
Yeah. But it’s such a small thing. Why are you getting so frustrated? Just try once again and you can pronounce it correctly.
Yeah. You want to make fun of me. Right?
Come on. Ok. If you can pronounce once correctly, till we reach the girls hostel, we’ll have dinner tomorrow. Else the plan stands cancelled.
Now I was in a shock. My nightmares were coming true. I just walked with my head down and almost in stage of crying.
Come on!
I realized this was my only shot. This was the only chance for me to conquer my fears of lifetime. And also that was my only chance to go out with her.

Pijja
Pijza
Piiiiija


No. Try to focus on middle part. It’s z and not j.

Pizza
Pizza
Pizza
Hey very good. Let’s meet tomorrow evening then.
I couldn’t believe it. I had done it. It might not be a very big achievement but for me it was like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro.
And that was the moment I realized- She is my dream girl. She never looked down upon me. I was strong when she was around. I was not ashamed to make mistakes infront of her. I was not ashamed to be myself. I could go down to bullies of my class and could Pizza-fy them.

That’s the moment when I realized- May be this is what true love looks like.


PS- My bad! It's called as Lisping and not stammering. Thanks to Anshul for pointing that out.

Continued from-
The Perfect Opening Line






It was the "Garba and Dandiya night" in college. Yeye.
People were busy making masterplans, plan-A, plan-B...plan-Z of hitting on girls. Teams were being formed, alliances were being made.

"Tu Raju ko dekhna. Wo Shalini ke saath jyada dance na kare. Tu use occupy rakhna aur main Shalini ke saath dandiya kheloonga."

"Wo bhai-bhen gang mein dance karte karte hum entry maar lenge. Jaise hi circle banega, apne usmein jayenge aur tu pooch lena usse- Can I stick with you to play sticks? Nah. Bad pick up line. Soch le yaar koi impressive line. Par aaj hi mauka hai."

Now if you want to imagine how well I dance - Imagine a Tyrannosaurus Rex doing Kathak.

I called Misra.
"I have no other option. She is a Gujarati. How can I convince her parents unless I learn Gujaratiness.Give me some motivation."
"Dude don't you think you're going overboard. Abhi tak to wo tera naam bhi nahin jaanti!"
"Are wahi to! See my plan is really different. What I can do is I'll convince her parents that I'm a good guy. Aur ek baar uske parents maan gaye, to propose kar doonga. Love marriage nahin to arrange marriage ho jayegi"
"Are you drunk? You're talking all crap"
"I thought I'm looking for some motivation from you"
"Ok. Listen. Just try to enter the Gujju gang. Go to her and say you want to learn Dandiya. Ask her help and then get talking. Then ask out for coffee. Simple"
"Thanks dude! That seems to be perfect. Only thing is I don't know how to dance"
"Nobody is seeing you dude. Do some stupid moves. Remember any PT exercise of childhood and try to do that in a fancy way"

Finally the D-day arrived. It was one of the rare occasions in our college when students reached before the official reporting time. The ground was shabbily decorated. You couldn't help but doubt that you might have been teleported to good old Ramayana days with ethnic clothing all around. Some of the girls had definitely gone overboard in make-up. Some of the boys had definitely gone overboard in their attempt to impress girls.

Everyone was scanning the crowd to locate his target group. Music started and we marched in to complete our missions.

That's when I spotted her. Man oh man! I stood still. There are some people in life who can make a hot humid evening in rusty college ground filled by people doing Bhangra in Garba really beautiful.

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Two hours had passed. I still was unable to enter Gujju gang's circle. Each time I attempted to enter it, I was prudently shoved away. Meanwhile some people had resorted to desperate measures. From Bhangra, people had started demonstrating their fictional Kung-Fu skills to attract attention. I decided to take the plunge.

"Hi"
"Hi! Do I know you?"
(bad bad. She doesn't even remember me)
"Remember I came like a superman. You can say I am the superhero Dogman of your life"
"Sorry. I don't like to talk to people who are drunk"
(Why doesn't anyone appreciate my sense of humor?) "No No we didn't start drinking yet. Remember that day when the dog was following you and we met for a brief instant. You told me that we'll meet again. So here we meet again."
"Oh! Ya ya."
(Silence for 3 mins).
"Hey can you teach me some special gujju Garba moves?"
"What?"
"No I mean Gujarati Garba moves"
"Ya sure. Well here it goes" And I swear to God she did some superhuman flexing moves that I couldn't even properly see, leave alone copying it.
"Hey that's too tough. Can you teach me the basic one?"
"No no try doing it. It's the easiest of all"

That's when I followed the wise advice of Misra. I completed my special PT-merge-dance-merge-randomness move. Somehow I heard a fictional round of applause. I thought to myself- "Man! I'm awesome". In turn, I realized everybody had been looking at me for quite some time. The applause was real, though not for appreciation of my talent. People were in fits of laughter. To add to my humiliation, they even tried to enact it. But I had executed it so awesomely bad that it was not possible for them to copy it.

I looked to my right and she had disappeared.

Met Misra the next day.
"Man! It was fun yesterday"
"Come on! It was just a stupid dance by stupid bunch of college going kids"
"Oh! Words of wisdom from our disco dancer"

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Yesterday:
"Will we go to Garba in navaratris after we marry?"
"Are you mad! Me and dancing! Don't you remember how good I am! I had screwed up even the basic step"
"Oh that! I didn't know that you are a good guy and I was scared that you'll trouble me. I had intentionally taught you the toughest moves of all - To shoo you away."

"You're too possessive. I hate you"
These were the words that were SMSed to me once the war was over. Now the best part of being in a relationship is that the harder you try to hate the other person for being rude or being non-sensitive to you, the more you fall in love with them.

Now it's a different story that it was you who was acting like a jerk. In the heat of moment, you always feel that others are acting weird and insensitively.
Plus, The best part of having a girlfriend is, she remembers all your mistakes.

"Why did that idiot talked to you? I told you he is an ass. Stay away from him. I really don't trust him."
"Have you ever met him?"
"No"
"Do you know him?"
"No"
"How can you say he is jerk? He is a friend of mine."
"Oh come on! Don't you care about me? Who is more important? Me or Him? If I tell you to not to talk to him, then better not talk to him"
"I talked to you when I didn't know you"
"That was different! That was me. This is him. And I don't feel like you talking to him"
"I don't feel like listening to you"
"See I told you, you really don't care about me. It's always me who does everything and you can't even do a small thing for me"
"Let me give you a warning! Don't get me started"
"Oh! Ab tumhari galti realise hui na, toh you're changing the topic. Ek baar sorry tak nahin bola"
"Let me point out tumhari galti-

Mistake #1- Not getting your cellphone repaired. If you really had to talk to me, that would've been your first priority. I've told you 100 times atleast
Mistake #2- Doubting me. Giving me no freedom
Mistake #3- Yesterday you didn't even care to pick up my call.
Mistake #4- Day before yesterday you didn't have lunch
Mistake #5- One month back, you fought with me and shouted at me.
(continues)
Mistake #50- Six months back, you even forgot to wish me on my birthday.
(continues)
Mistake #101- One year back, You forgot to book my tickets even though you knew it was so urgent.
(continues)
Mistake #1001- Three years back, You followed me whole night like a jerk. I was so scared and you had no concern how would a girl feel if someone follows me at night"

"Hey that's not fair. I don't agree with your last point. That was me!"
"Did I know you then?"
"Still that was me. Dekha apni galti accept nahin karni hoti to excuse banati ho. Dekha. I win I win. Wiase how do you manage to remember 1001 list?"
"Coz I care about you. Everything you do wrong, hurts me a lot"
(Silence) "Theek hai na! Ab aaj tumhari galti maine maaf kar di na. Main kuch bol raha hoon"
"Warning di thi tumein"
"Tumhari galti hai. Better warning diya karo aage se. And Mujhe nahin sunna. You really don't care. Ek chota sa kaam bola tumein. Itna bhi nahin kar sakti"
"Haan nahin kar sakti. Khush"
"Dekha. I knew I knew. Acha ab sorry bol raha hoon na. Chalo. Sorry"
"I'm sorry. Please leave me alone"
"Yaar ek to tum galti karti ho. Upar se main sorry bolta hoon. Upar se tum bhaav khati ho. Kabhi main tumhein realize karata hoon tumhari galityan?"
"Oh aisa! jara ek batana?"
(thinking hard) "Hmmm..are main koi mistake database thode na maintain karta hoon! Maine tumhein maaf kiya! Bas khush!"

Beep...Beep...

That was the time when phone was disconnected from other side!
And I was still wondering-"Yaar maine kya kiya! Ajeeb hai!"

I'm really glad the person who motivated me to write a blog is coming up wih his book.(Man the cover is awesome!)

Check out the awesome blog and awesome book-

http://www.arshatchaudhary.com/

I wish all the luck and hope it becomes a big success.

PS- sorry for not posting regularly. The work is killing me.

PPS- My craziest dream today is to write a book. Though I don't know who will read that book. :P

This post is dedicated to beautiful game of soccer and my childhood memories associated with it

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I was running. Panting. A drop of sweat followed a parabolic trajectory from my forehead to my cheeks. I was disturbed for a moment. I regained my concentration. Dribbled the ball avoiding the defenders. My breath was heavy, still I kept on running, scanning the ball and the defenders at the same time. It was two on one. I had one of my team mates - Abhimanyu on my left and goalkeeper infront. The goal should have been a cakewalk. I was now running from midfield to goalkeeper's area. Suddenly I heard Abhimanyu shouting- "Pass! Give me the pass! You won't be able to score. Give me the pass". I saw goalkeeper approaching. A straight forward kick would have been a goal. Again I hear the same words. In a split second, I passed skillfully to Abhimanyu. The goalkeeper was nowhere near. Abhimanyu netted the ball perfectly. I saw my team erupt. I,drenched in sweat, lied on ground facing the clear blue sky trying to regain my breathing. After few seconds, I stood up. Saw the team circling Abhimanyu. Picking him up. Abhimanyu was now sitting on the shoulders of teammates, giving a large grin to onlookers and abusing the opposition. I stood by the sideline. I felt like shouting- "It was my goal. I did all the hardwork. I did all the running. I did all the tackling. It was my pass damnit!"
Nobody noticed. The play started again.

We used to have 2 games period in class 5th. I was the best and most committed player of team. The problem was nobody noticed that. Since we were small kids, the concept of team work and playing selflessly was something incomprehensible. The one who scored the goal takes the glory. I somehow didn't understand why nobody realized that it always used to be my hardwork. The strategy of my team, Ganga House(dawned in color Blue) was simple- somehow give the ball to me, I will take the ball from our goalkeeper to opposition goalkeeper, give the pass to Abhimanyu and he'll have the final word.

Jab tu ball le ke jaata hai goal tak to marta kyon nahin?one of my friends asked.
Yaar Abhimanyu bahut jor se shot maarta hai. Dekha hai. Uske paas wo nails(spikes) waale shoes bhi hain. Main kahan se goal kar paaonga.

I hastily walked away from him. I knew he was right. Abhimanyu was rock star of our class while I was just a sideline player.

I reached home. My mom knew it was a sports period today as we had to wear our house color shirt. So Himachal house was red, Vindhya was green, Yamuna was yellow and my house Ganga was blue.

Toh mere beta ne kitne goal kiye?
Maine goal nahin kiya Ma. Par I assisted. I did everything.
Haan. Koi baat nahin beta. Thoda aur mehnat karo. Goal bhi karna aa jayega.

Now my mom to soccer is like Ramayan's Sita to F TV. Still I was furious. I had decided. I won't give the final pass to Abhimanyu. I would score the goal. I would be the hero. Next one week, I just had dreams of my winning move after the goal. I finalized the arms open move. As soon as the ball would kiss the net, I would widen my arms and start running randomly on the field pretending to be a free bird(The move which was later copied by Shoaib Akhtar).

The match started. It was a lack lustrous first half where the football match had turned to rugby and people were busy hitting the opposition players than the ball. Some sanity prevailed in the second half when both team realized that they needed to score a goal to win. Amit tackled the opposition player. He gave the pass to Abhimanyu. Abhimanyu dribbled the ball and tried to spot me. Seeing me to his right, he gently kicked the ball to right towards me. Bhaag! Bhaag! We need to score the goal. I took the ball. Dribbled. Me and Abhimany stated running towards the goal. I kept running, artistically saving the ball and myself from mindless tackles (there used to be no umpires) of opposition. Finally I got the ball between the legs of last defender and it was again two on one situation. I had been in these situation a lot of time. But now I was in quite a new situation. We both were running mindlessly towards the goal, when I heard the same words- "Pass! Pass! You can't do it". I shouted back- "I can! Don't come in my way!" The goalkeeper approached towards me. I was ready to take the kick. The goal was mine. With my full effort, I kicked the ball. I saw the ball beating the goalkeeper. I saw the ball beating the goalpost. The ball flew above the goal outside the ground.

Abhimany picked me up by my collar.
Bola tha nahin kar payega. Dekha teri wajah se haar jayenge. Miss kar diya na.
One of my teammates joined him- Khelna to aata nahin. Gola karega. Hero banega. Ja ball utha ke la.

I slowly walked towards the road. The ball was lying on one of the footpaths. One drop approached my cheeks. But the origin of this water drop was my eyes this time. I let my team down. Maybe I can't do it. I threw the ball to the ground. Abhimanyu came down to me and said- Tu bahar se pehle dekh aur seekh football kaise khelte hain. Fir khelne aana. I was substituted. Needless to say Ganga house lost the match. I was saved by my friends from being beaten by Abhimanyu.

I reached home disappointed and lost in my thoughts.It was just the goal. It was just above the goal post. Nobody noticed that I shot the ball so hard that it went above the goal post(This was a big deal in class-5). I just had it. I was the reason for which Ganga house used to win everytime.

Beta! Aaj kitne goal kiye?
Ma maine goal maara. Maine bahut jor se shot maari. Poori takat laga ke.
I demonstrated her a kick. Then I showed her the free bird celebration move. I felt I deserved to take the credit, to do the move at least once.
Maine aise fir dance bhi kiya.
(Laughing) Mera beta to bada acha football khelne laga hai.

I still don't know what made me to lie. But I couldn't see in the eye of mom when she said the last sentence. I cursed myself. I felt I had done a very wrong thing by lying to mom, though somehow I didn't feel bad. I was living a dream.

That was the last time I played football. Even now when I see kids playing football in the field, I can see a small boy in blue shirt, running hard, running fiercely towards the opposition's goal and I can still hear those words -"Pass! Pass! You can't do it".

I was tired of being a friend. Rising from the echelons of 'orkut friend' to 'gtalk friend' to 'project friend' to 'good friend' to 'best friend', I had hit a roadblock. I decided to take next leap and spill the beans. But how to propose? Where to propose? What will be my perfect heart winning words?

My simple plan-> I'll take her for a romantic outing. At the end of it, I'll propose. She'll say yes. We'll hold hands, sing romantic songs and be together for lifetime. Perfect!

I decided to call her and fix the plan.

Hi, How are you? What about an outing?
Nah I'm not interested to go out.
Please.
Nope. I've lot of work this month. Most probably I won't be able to find time to go out for whole month.
Whole month? (I need to think of something and something fast!) Ok. Can you spare ten minutes for me?(Can't wait for a month!)
Sure. Come down to the garden outside the lab. I'll be in lab. My final sem project is killing me.
Sure. Done.

I don't know what was the big deal about the final sem project. I had not even started the work for project after two months. I barely remembered the topic of my project and had not even met the prof once under whom I was supposed to work. Because of my hard work and dedication, I had acquired a legendary status amongst my batchmates.

I ran to the lab.

Hi. I need to talk to you for 10 minutes. No disturbances please. Thoda serious issue hai.
Aisa kya emergency hai. Jaldi bolo?
Are let me speak. First of all I need a place where I can talk to you calmly. I don't want anyone else to hear me (or see me being hit by a girl).
Oh! Let's go to faculty block. That's one place no student comes.

My initial reaction was- "What! You gotta by Kidding me. You wanna me to propose at the place surrounded by offices of the faculty. That'll be the most unromantic place ever!"
We reached the faculty block.I was really nervous. Plus being surrounded by all the negative aura of faculty I forgot the lines I had rehearsed for past one month.

So go on! Aisa kya hua?
Well...ummm...mmm...I need to tell you something. Very important.
(Bending down on my knees) I want you to be my partner for rest of my life. I won't say even after life since you're afraid of ghosts(Kicking myself! What the hell proposal was that one?) I really like you(avoiding the L word - love).

There was no sound for next 5 minutes. She stood standstill in a stage of shock. I was in alarm stage- ready to run -in case she decided to reach for her sandals. That's when I heard from the back-

Abhishek! Where are you? I've been looking for you for long time.

I was really frustrated. Who has the guts to disturb me at this moment? I turned back and freezed. It was my project mentor. Next half hour he slammed me for being careless, casual, rude and dumb - adjectives you won't want to hear from somebody while you were proposing a girl to marry her! I apologised furiously and promised to show him the first part of project tomorrow.(He was really naive to believe me on that!)

Phew! That was a close shave. See I can risk my life for you.
That was a bad joke.
Yeah. So what is your answer.
Well you're my best friend(damn!). You need to listen to me very carefully and patiently. You need to understand me(After so many disclaimers I already knew what's the answer going to be). I don't want to hurt you or make you feel bad.
Please cut the crap. (I was getting impatient) Tell me yes/no.
No. I need to add one more thing.
Bolo! Ab bhi kuch bolne ko bacha hai kya?
I think we should not talk from now on. The more we talk now, the more you'll think about these things and feel bad. This is the last time I'm talking to you. Thanks for being my best friend. Bye Forever!

I was stunned. My eyes were wet. She ignored my tears and started moving back to the lab.

I saw her beautiful hairs fluttering in the air. My dream girl walking away from me forever. I could almost hear sad music played in the background. That was the end of my love story - or at least I thought it was.

I was mad in love. And it was V-day tomorrow.

I asked with a shivering voice "What are your plans for 14th?"
She made a disturbed face as if to silently indicate- "Oh no! Not you too!"
I realized that damage control plan was required and backtracked from lover gear to good friend gear(the safest of all)- "Are yaar! I'm not saying you to come for a date with me. Just a coffee. I don't have a valentine and will be lonely. Atleast I thought I could bank upon my friend to give me a company"
"Oh! Ok..I thought you too joined the list"
"Pagal hai kya?" (Lied bluntly with a heavy heart)
"Good. Even I don't have a valentine. Let's meet at 4 tomorrow!"
"Glad to hear that!"
"What?"
"That you can take some time out of your busy schedule."(Lied Again)
"Anything for friends!"
Damn friendship!
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So here I was all set for my coffee-cum-secret-valentine-date. I made a To-Do list for my special coffee at canteen of my college.

Came the V-day and this is how my list read at 3:00 pm

-> Deodorant - Done
-> Combing- Done
-> Bath- Irrelevant. Deo already used. Done.
-> New clothes- Done
-> Shoes- Got it from roompartner- Done
-> Socks- Done. Hope the deo is as good as they claim it to be.
-> Gift-


Oh! I had forgotten. We are supposed to take a gift for her too. Even if it was one sided date, I need to have something. Something not too expensive but still good enough to win a heart.

Counter Strike CD- Nah!(I wish someone could have given me this on my V-day), Love song CD- Nah!(Too bold), Friends episodes-Nah! (I had started hating the word friend), Roses from garden- Totally ruled out, Book- geeky gift.

I settled on a safe gift- Chocolates. Bought the chocolates from daddu's shop. Secretively (so that no one notices me) and neatly packed in a red gift wrapper. I mumbled- "To my dear valentine"

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Reached the canteen at 3:30 p.m. Waved to my friends and prayed to God that they leave early. And God listened to me once.
"You coming? We are going for table-tennis"
"Nah! I'm not coming. You people enjoy"
"Waiting for someone?"
"You think any girl will agree to spend time with people like us on valentine day"
They became sad after realizing the harsh reality. With a sullen face they departed to play TT on valentine day.

Meanwhile I waited. Observed the love struck couples.

4:00 pm- Called. Phone switched off.
4:15 pm- Went to the lab to check out if she was there.
4:30 pm- Went to library.
5:00 pm- 10 rounds of coffee completed.
5:30 pm- Sleeping in canteen at the table I had occupied in the corner
6:00 pm- Sleeping
6:30 pm- Sleeping
7:00 pm- 20 rounds of coffee completed
7:30 pm- My friends arrive from playing TT. Sat with me at my special table.

Here I was spending my valentine day with a bunch of guys. My dreams had shattered. Meanwhle they discussed about valentine couples in canteen and new entries. And then I heard her name. They told me those people are sitting outside canteen from 1 hour. I darted out and found her there sitting with another guy having dinner.

It was the worst ever feeling. Felt like banging my head on the wall. I approached her and said- "Thanks for making my day". She tried to follow me and I could hear- "I'm sorry! Something urgent cropped up. Can we have coffee tomorrow?". I didn't stop. My eyes were filled with tears and shouted- "To hell with it"

Devastated, I walked back to my room. Momentarily stopped at the dustbin and gave a slam dunk to my red valentine gift. Stared blankly for few minutes at my gift lying in the garbage. And then walked back. Banged the door of my room and lied down on bed.

My room partner asked-"How was your valentine day?"
"I had lot of coffeee"
"Oh! good good. Who was your valentine?"
"The Dustbin"
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Later I found out that her reason was indeed genuine. She was in a major trouble at that moment and hence had her phone switced off. I acted like a stupid guy but come on, I was mad in love and to see your girl(ok..atlease one sided love affair girl) with someone else on valentine day is a genuine enough reason to get mad. And yeah! I did have my 21st coffee, this time with my valentine on post valentine day!