Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Obama's Nobel Prize Speech
Our own superhero Stickman was recently in White House to rescue Mrs. Obama's cat stuck on tree (since throwing stones by Mr. Obama was not helping...duhh..so much of a basktball player). with a stroke of luck, he got hold of rough draft of Mr. Obama's speech for Nobel peace prize thrown in the garabge...Here are the excerpts of highly secretive and sensational document...
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Ladies and gentleman,
I stand before you and gladly accept the Nuclear Race...ahhh...no...Nobel Peace Prize. What if we lost in Olympics despite of all my marketing skills. Afterall I'm the president of US and a little arm twist can help me to maintain my TRP and popularity ratings. Now now, before you all start jumping, ask yourself, have you not used some influence at some point of time. If not, then that's why you are not the president of your country. If yes, damn..you seriously used it at some wrong place.
Anyways, ya I do deserve this price. I have reduced the number of bombings in Afghanistan from 10 per hour to 9.5 per hour. No you idiot, we don't throw half bomb every hour. We throw 1 bomb less every two hours. So, I was saying, yeah..we got installed a new laundry service in guantanamo bay bay (see Guantanamo bay bay sounds mouch more peaceful than it's old name), so that the prisoners can atleast wear clean underwears after getting whipped. What a shame it was! Not to even have clean undergarments. Now they are better off than atleast half the population of India.
We have funded Pakistan, so that they can make peaceful bombs. The bombs they use now disturbed the sleep of little poor hungry children. How insensitive was that on part of my predecessors. These brand new peaceful bombs are revolution,I say. These cute bombs don't make a noise while blasting. Now it will be a silent bomb. *Boom*(Note: remember to speak this very slowly) and you're dead. No noise pollution. (See we are also reducing pollution.)
And don't get me started on South America and Israel. I have given a 1000 promises. You think that's less than monumental or historical. Remember my speech in Cairo! We need to end cycle of suspicion and terror. We now plainly deny visa for muslims rather than stripping them on airports. That's a hope to start with.
I might not have some or rather any glistering achievements on my resume now, but then at least I tried. I tried to make this world a liveable place. Obviously I had to act as shocked or else how would have I appeared as humble and noble person you morons. But I stand before you to achieve this prestigious award. Now all our missile and bombs will have photo of this coveted prize on them. See I got brand new thousands of messengers of peace. This will also help us spread the values that this prize stands for. After all, not only we bomb all the parts of earth, we bomb the moon too. So you see, this message will be spread not only on all parts of earth but also moon. And you dumb people thought I didn't deserve this prize in first place.
All I can say is blahhhhh.....Let peace be bestowed upon this earth. Remember death alone can bring the ultimate peace. I am looking for permanent solutions and not temporary patch ups.
Yes, we can!
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Editor in chief Abhishek
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